Here it is~Tuesday night...a good fourteen hours past my(almost)self-imposed "publish curfew" of 9 a.m. I must say that I am so relieved that I let that one go after the first couple days. I'm also equally relieved that I'm not being forced to write this blog, nor am I under the time/topic constraints of another person. I would be sooo fired by now. For those of you who are keeping track, I haven't posted since Friday. I had been saving "Smashtastic" for my Saturday blog(gotta love that bold red underline, screaming to me "SPELL CHECK! THAT'S NOT A REAL WORD!!")
I must admit that I hit a tough patch the past few days. This has become such an awesome place to express myself and sort out my thoughts~as random as my posts are. So, to say I've missed it would be an understatement. My little guy has really been giving me a run for my money. I've been overly-tired, overly-irritable, and just over-run altogether. And, I must take into account that I get a break once in a while, as so many mothers out there don't. At the end of the day, it's been so much easier for me to snap at my older son. At my husband. Even when either of them have done something that may warrant a disagreement, I've acted very much out of character and gone a bit overboard more times than I can count on both hands in the past week.
Even with nap time, the time he is awake is spent....um, you guessed it, fighting for complete domination of the sink, and having complete meltdown tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I was given a little pointer last week that I have yet to try(actually just now remembered it~as in, this very second remembered it). That, perhaps will be my life-saver. It's also supposed to be sixty degrees again tomorrow, and he'll be at Grandma's, so hopefully he'll be worn-out from playing outside. Perhaps the easiest thing would be to just leave the house for the next couple of months. Or take all of the chairs out of the kitchen. Or....
So, back to the overly-tired, irritated woman with the chronic headache the past few days...We're all allowed to have a bad day (or three
weeks) aren't we? Funny thing is this~up until the past months, my famous saying was always, "I give myself ten minutes tops to be upset about something. After that, I either get over it or fix it." What happened? My present state doesn't jive so well with my "word of the year". In fact, it kind of takes a jab at all of the good things I want in my life right now. I've caught myself more than once wanting to scream, "Serenity NOW! Serenity NOW! Serenity NOW!" Luckily, I've had the wherewithal to step outside of myself momentarily and stop myself before it starts...if for no other reason than it would sound ridiculous. Who SCREAMS that anyway? Isn't it supposed to be whispered, or at least spoken in a lovely, quiet tone? A serene tone? So, then I just find myself yelling something else(not about serenity or even the slightest bit serenity-inducing) at this small child whose brain produces an unknown chemical that blocks out my voice anyway. So all he sees is this raging lunatic, foaming at the mouth while waving her hands in the air, and for all he knows, I'm cheering him on as he once again climbs up onto the chair for the 246th time to "teet".
It's in these moments, and the ones that follow, that it's easy for me to begin to question myself. Question if/why God would use someone so imperfect? Someone who wants so badly to be in a place of love and compassion and patience and acceptance, but has been falling short. Someone who hasn't been the most loving and patient person. Someone who is reacting out of anger and frustration. Why wouldn't He desire a more perfect vessel? Then He whispers to my heart and I remember. It calms my heart. Brings me peace. Brings me to a place of rest in Him and in His promises. He asked for ME. He didn't ask for me to be perfect.
Isaiah, as myself, wondered what he could possibly have to offer to God and His kingdom. God gave him a beautiful revelation:.
"There flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar: and he laid it upon my mouth and said, Lo, this hath touched my lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged." (Isaiah 6:6-7)
The coal speaks of the cross and the iniquity speaks of our efforts-the idea that we, in our own strength, can add to the kingdom of God. It's not about what we can DO for the kingdom. It's about saying YES to God and allowing Him to work IN us and THROUGH us. We need to carry His promises with us. We need to remember that He is above all of our human-ness. Above all of our weakness. Far above our circumstances.
26 For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. 27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; 28 and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, 29 that no flesh should glory in His presence. 30 But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God—and righteousness and sanctification and redemption— 31 that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the Lord. (1 Cor 1:26-31)
Like Isaiah, I said, "Here I am Lord. Take me." That doesn't mean that my life is any easier, or that I won't fall. It doesn't mean that I'll have fewer challenges. It doesn't mean that I won't have days that won't force me onto my knees, asking God for the strength to get me through, or in that same place asking for forgiveness.
What it does mean is that I spend each and every moment of every day knowing that my God is full of mercy. He wants the world to know of His love and His mercy. His mercy is the reason I have hope. It is only by His mercy that my sins are forgiven and that He has made me new.
It is only because He has touched my life and my heart that I can talk of His mercy, His love and His grace. I am not the strongest, nor the smartest. I am not the most knowledgeable of His Word. I have countless weaknesses. I am very aware of them. New ones are revealed to me daily. However, God is also keenly aware of all of my weaknesses. It is those same weaknesses that He will use to bring glory to His name. I know that my strength comes from Him. My hope lies in Him. I can trust Him to carry me through, and I can trust Him to transform me in the process. There is no part of my body, my mind, my past, present or future that God can't touch. I only have to remember who HE is and who I am in Him.
Reference: Times Square Church Publication
Vol VIII/Issue 5/May 2011